Lately, I've been in a complete and total funk. There's no other word for it. I've been angry, disappointed, sad, despondent. I can't train or race now because my body needs time to heal. I've been working for months to fix a Siebel patch for a client so I can upgrade them to a supported release and allow them to upgrade to a supported IBM DB2 platform and upgrade to a supported AIX release. No matter how hard I try or how late I work there are still product defects and bugs and Siebel isn't so keen to fix them in any kind of hurry. Lastly, no matter how much I look, I can't seem to find the right house. Our current house is too small for John Cannon and we, or I, really want to move before he gets here.
It's absolutely awful timing. I just want to sit back and relax. Which for me, means cooking for Kristina, enjoying our pregnancy, and racing my bike. Maybe work on the business a little bit, maybe not. Why do I need all these challenges. Things used to be so easy.
Not finding the answer within, it was time to start finding it without; as in, without me. I laid down next to my beautiful pregnant wife last night and began to pray for what I really wanted. I want Kristina to enjoy being pregnant. I want her to experience the beauty of creation that He has given to us. I want John Cannon to be healthy and strong and have all the opportunity and potential all little ones receive. I want John to have the best of all we can give him: childhood, environment, values, everything.
In that moment of focusing on things without me, I realized that my challenges have a purpose. My body breaking down for so long, my work being seemingly impossible, the great house hunt. Normally, rest, a couple of late nights on the computer, and luck would solve these three. Instead I find that I've been staring at the same problems for nearly 3 months and longer. Now, I understand that the challenges are for me to learn valuable lessons.
I don't know what these lessons are yet, but today I am grateful for the gift of understanding that life's challenges are not without purpose. I am grateful that I have a companion with whom I can meet these challenges. I am grateful for such strong challenges that I may have the opportunity to learn so much about life, others, and myself. I am grateful for Him. I am grateful for you.
H.H.
